Associations

For LL

Intimidated, inadequate, inexperienced and naive. The latter in some respects.

These are all attributes (?) that apply to you LL.

You were intimidated by my relative wealth, but you would have gotten used to it. I remember you visiting the Norfolk home and being more surprised than you had imagined. Then there was WLC. where you were surprised it was fully equipped right down to the cutlery...of course it was. Your apologies about taking holidays on a bus and not having flown for years. They were all indicators to me at the time that you felt a little out of your depth with me.

Following on from that, I think you felt inadequate, especially given your family history. It was far from perfect of course and in many respects quite dysfunctional. Not a raving success, but at the time I was prepared to take it all on.

Inexperienced, not only in the bedroom. That came to light quite early on, but also in your wider knowledge of the world and for want of another word 'streetwise'. I think you believed you were, but you were not. That inexperience extended to a lack of sophistication, also. I followed your 'lead' on choosing wines, fashion etc but hid my own knowledge because I knew it might intimidate you. My knowledge of wine for instance is extensive. It was when I knew you. My father was an excellent teacher.

Fashion, which you purported to know, boiled down to your following high street trends so that you 'conformed'. I always thought you lacked a sense of belonging and by following those fashion trends you felt part of the crowd/ pack whatever. You didn't follow fashion though. I knew you had no real idea when I spoke to you of 'your colors'. You weren't sure what I was talking about.

Music for you was pretty much all the pop stuff. I knew you knew little of the classics, of the joy of a Mahler or Tchaikovsky symphony etc. I could go on about levels of conversation etc etc, but will leave it there.

Then we come to naive and your naivety, LL. It presented itself in many ways. Attempts to impress without knowing, really knowing, who you were trying to impress. At least I was gentleman enough not to highlight your shortcomings. The pathetic cover ups of your extra curricular sexual activities. It is so easy to know when a person is lying, when you have interviewed and interrogated as many people as I have. Planting a computer program, spyware if you like, was a bonus.

Naive enough to use my laptop on occasions. Did you really think I wouldn't interrogate that, too? Then we move on to your performances in bed. For a woman of your years then, you had little idea, which is probably why you were so impressed with my skills...and I didn't employ them all!

Overall you were 'out of your depth' with me. As I said many times before you would have to'get up early in the morning' to get anywhere near hoodwinking me. You failed of course. Sad really, but in some ways inevitable given you reluctance to change. Yes, I was in love with you back then, and I don't think you ever recognised it. I put that down to your past experience with men where your choices were disastrous. As to your current man, well...what can I say that is positive. Maybe that he is 'a man with meat on his bones', to quote you, LL.

Ciao

( Some people make the right decisions and...some don't)