L'Chaim - To Life!

As I sit here relaxing in our apartment in New York, with the window open and the sounds of the City percolating up toward me through the concrete canyons, I think back to all those journeys I made to see you. 

That seems an age away and another life altogether. A sort of limbo world where I was trying to get myself back together after my loss. The way I look at it now is, that it was a period of healing, of dealing with bereavement. You helped greatly and I was on the mend gradually, until you betrayed me. That delayed my recovery. I'm not sure you have ever recovered from your experiences. I think you are permanently scarred with loss and emotional turmoil at what tore your family apart.

I tried very hard with you but....you failed me...not me... you.

As I suspected you haven't found peace, joy and calmness in your life. That is because you made the wrong choice. You may be somewhat against wealth, but it is a very useful tool in solving problems and creating security and a happy environment for others. 

I said tool purposely because that is how I view it. It is merely a means to achieve other things. It's not adding to our wealth that gives me fulfillment it's the buzz/kick, or whatever you want to call it, that I get from achieving...and I have been achieving all my life. Of course we all have knock backs (even me!) but I have always picked myself up dusted myself off and gotten on with things. Quantity doesn't entire my thinking, but quality certainly does be it material things, emotionally or family.

Since you and I moved apart my life has achieved what you have not - that very same peace, joy and calmness. I had it before my wife died and I have it again thanks to the lady who is in my life now.

It was my intention to bring it into your life, but through your own actions that was never to be. I think I was right, and so were you, in saying that you never make the right decisions and end up with, at the very best, a mundane existence. Family matters to me and I know it does to you. 

You won't be able to solve the problems in the lives of two of the younger people close to you and your man won't. It could have been done.  All of this was there for the taking - but you sought merely to satisfy yourself, denying a better life to your family and hurting those close to you at that time. 

With all that on your conscience and more, I doubt you will find that peace and calmness I have referred to. 

By the way it isn't boring either. It is like a warm glow that is permanently with you. Free of all the other woes and worries of life, one can have a pretty good and exciting time...and I do.

Merely my experience over the last nearly nearly 10 years, but I can assure you it's a great feeling. I know you realize you were a fool when you did what you did and made the decisions  that you did. You have sacrificed more than you will ever know by those actions and decisions and you lost the deep love of a man who would have nurtured and cared for you like no one else.


Sad, really, very sad.....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You have been slowly putting on weight  over the years that have elapsed and he is as gross as ever.

You can probably see from my followers that I have wide ranging business and other interests now...not bad for that supposed 'boring guy' you once made disparaging remarks about. If you had only have known back then what you know now, but of course I couldn't trust you could I, so it all remained....hidden. What a fool you were, but then maybe not. You would have been way out of your depth living my life style. Why do you think I told you nothing of my friends, or indeed introduced you to some of them. I recall you thought I had none...so I succeeded in my small omission. Apart from that, after losing 'G' I had no appetite for too many others in my life..... at the time.

You live and have lived in another world, as far as I am and indeed was concerned. Once I had gotten the opportunity of looking into that world for a couple of years. I looked, I absorbed, I experienced and, above all, I was careful...more careful than you ever suspected. I realized fairly early on that you were dabbling elsewhere, albeit at first not in any physical way. But once you betrayed me you were on a hiding to nothing...and nothing is what you were left with, in terms of my wealth. A few baubles that have not been forgotten on my part, perhaps is the only net gain. To slightly misquote a well known soccer club 'I don't do walking away', in this case from outstanding issues.

Your world. It is not one I wished to inhabit. That is partly why I tried, unsuccessfully, to persuade you otherwise. You were too entrenched in your world to take that chance or risk, undoubtedly through an inability to see the possibilities. You made the wrong decision, later realized it and told me as much after we had parted. You have lived all of your life in one place, hardly traveled at all, even now, chosen the wrong partners 100% of the time and ended up with what you have now, as you approach 63. I don't believe it is what you wanted at all. I opened your eyes a little to another world and I think elements of it overwhelmed your thinking. So, you stayed in your imperfect cocoon, where you still reside.

You now have some idea of the world you could have inhabited from my jottings and meanderings through the last 9 nearly 10 years. Living for weekends is not the life you should have been enjoying. Your postings of food and the occasional Spanish sojourn do not impress at all.

Imagine enjoying the homes I have, your own plane, a jet now of course, various cars and all that comes with great wealth. It doesn't overpower my life as I am used to living with it, and I'm sure you would have come to terms with it. No chance now, of course, due to my good fortune in meeting my partner as partial result of your actions. Every negative action has a positive reaction...and it sure did for me. In your case 'as you sow so shall you reap' to quote the Bible. Do you know the two things most people put as an essential requirement on dating sites? Honesty and trustworthiness. You failed on both scores.

So there you are, and here I am. I think I came out on top, don't you? But then I always knew I would. You could have shared this spot with me. 

If you are devoted to (or under the thumb) of your partner, then surely you would find a way to be with him 24/7, more or less, rather than wishing for extra weekend days. If under the thumb, then I do believe you are trapped in something you never intended. There is probably an element of both in your life. Physically, he was never your type and still isn't. As I said on previous occasions I don't think he will make old bones and then where will you be. I have met many single ladies particularly between March 2004 and mid to late 2006. None of them wanted to spend their weekdays alone, let alone run to and fro at weekends. So I think you are well and truly 'trapped'. 

Given your age, the opportunities of meeting someone else, if that situation arises, will be difficult. So, the prospect is you will end up on your own, if something happens to the weighty man. I feel saddened a little to think of you in that situation and also of the past 10 years you have 'wasted' with him, when life could have been very different.

I continue with my photography, writing and many other activities. Although I have taken a big step back from business, I am still involved although, increasingly, I/we are leaving it to the younger generation.

On the photography front I thought you might like to see a few more photos>>>>>>>>>>

>>>>>>>


I didn't take the photo below but someone I know did. Great shot don't you think and she didn't drop the camera!

A few from our place in New Hampshire. I know that I have undoubtedly posted them before, but I like to send an occasional reminder :)

The one below was taken while undertaking a little Fall hunting on our acres in NH. Long way from where we were 11 years ago. Seems like a whole lifetime away to me. and there's you still in the same place, both physically and probably mentally. We were in yellow so we didn't shoot each other!!

Money can't buy everything, but it sure as hell can buy a lot of things. In itself it is, as I said above, a tool/means to achieving other aims in life. I may be growing older like we all are but I haven't lost my lust for life. You never really knew me in those few years we were together, did you. I wasn't myself then. Shame you missed the real me. You would have had a whale of a time!

Here are a few of the material things such wealth can buy. Most are current, apart from the black Aston. The Bentley is blue like yours, but there the similarity ends.

Florida

London - a few years back

USA

It's blue outside - similar color to your auto :)

France

Now some random place shots to give you a flavor of our travels. Don't think you have seen these

Part of Bryce Canyon

Bryce Canyon

Mount Rushmore - This is a few years ago.

Tea, yes tea! In Edinburgh Castle

Boston near The Samuel Adams statue

So there you go LL. Some thoughts, some images and some things for you to reflect upon, like judgement, indecision, honesty, trust and ...theft. Those baubles are not forgotten.

I am posting a few more photos in a separate blog entitled 'Fun and Games', mainly because of the nature of those images.

Ciao

PS

Here's something from my past, post you, pre Ash. She had a great car and was a great driver...but not in those heels! California 2005 or 2006. Can't recall exactly, but we flew that night!

Reflections from Massachusetts

LL

As you are aware, I am a married man again and have been for just short of 10 years, after my earlier widowhood. You also know now that I had a whale of a time in the intervening years, which you partly populated, until you went 'wandering'. At that point I felt free to undertake my own version of wandering. In my case it was with a lot more freedom, being self employed and wealthy.

These days of course I am a happily married man, very happily married again. I really didn't believe that would happen to me again but it did. Prior to meeting Ash I was resigned, if that's the word, to finding someone who was a compromise, although I don't really entertain that notion in life, generally. I didn't have to follow that route though and consider myself very lucky indeed to have Ash as my wife.

You were never going to make it, although in some ways I wish you had. You were too easily swayed by your lusts. In fact I recall you refusing to see me because apparently, I would take you to bed and then you would feel that you would stay with me. If that was your measure of a relationship and ours in particular, then I was right to move on. As I said at the beginning of this paragraph, you were never going to make it...and you never did, even though you realized your mistake afterward.

I'm not sure what it is I possess and I certainly don't think I am God's gift to women, but even now as a married man, women come onto me, and that includes the wives of some of my many friends! Unlike you, I am faithful to my partners in life - always have been, always will be. Nevertheless, some of the hugs and kisses I get from the ladies, mentioned, are a little more than mere greeting and the kisses linger just that little longer than they should do. I'm flattered, naturally.

Then there are the younger women in their thirties and forties who will 'inadvertently' touch me as they brush by, or stand with their leg and thigh against my side, often when I'm seated, and sometimes when I'm not. Then there are the more obvious ones who bend over in front of me or have that 'extra' button undone, all to display their cleavages and the swell of their breasts. All very nice (mostly!!) but, as I said I am a married man and totally faithful, unlike you were LL. Incidentally, what is it like to be a woman approaching 63? I know, as a man it doesn't really make a lot of difference as evidenced by the attention I still get from women.

From that you will have long since realized that I never had need of your dubious and wayward attention, when we parted. Although, at the time I did play a little game with you to teach you a lesson., knowing I was immune from what you imagined happened to me due to my past occupation. You know the term 'per pro' I'm sure - it means to delegate to another 'agency'. That is what happened. By that time I'd had enough of pulling your strings and so had certain people who arranged things for me.

Back to more normal things...for me anyway. We are leaving Nantucket later today and flying down to New York where we are staying for a number of days, and then from there home to Florida and the unadulterated sunshine. It's up around 85F (29/30C) today and it will only get better.

I bet you still recall your time there. Hot days, warm mornings and evenings. Stepping out by the pool with next to nothing on and just feeling great. It doesn't change, I can assure you, but my life has immeasurably since you were part of it.

Here's a quick shot of where I am, on posting this blog

Ciao

Costas and Cost Us

A few days on the Costas with  some clouds and some sun and a very, very large short individual. That is not how I imagined your life would be some 12 years ago. But, as they say, you made your bed and you have to lie in it. The photos of that individual bring tears to my eyes. They are not tears of sympathy more tears brought on by uncontrollable laughter. What a sight. The mind boggles as to how you both get on under the sheets!

The thought of dealing with all that blubber for the past 11 years stretches the imagination, but then you have grown to meet him somewhat. That slim lady once known, fully, is long gone. Replaced by a chubby individual that if met these days would easily be passed by. Nor do I envy anyone who gets a seat next to him on a plane - that must be an experience all of its own.

I suppose you should compare where you might have been if you had been more understanding, loyal and decisive. But then you now know what that life would have held for you  and all around you. In your impulsive way you decided to exchange short term pleasures for a life that you will never experience now. All those weekends of travelling to and fro, might have been replaced by the luxury enjoyed by yours truly. Your flights overseas in a private jet, homes, pools and cars to enjoy whenever you wished. Following the sun throughout the year - none of that damp rain swept stuff that comprises two thirds of your life in those northern climes.

Wining and dining on the very best and building a life of fun, love and comfort you will never have now. All of those things passed up for short term pleasures. High and dry to me means beaching my boats. It was never in my mind to do that to any one let alone you. But your past experiences with men and your own lack of loyalty led you to believe that I would follow the behavior patterns they did and....you did. That was not the case, but you never had the courage in 2006 to find out. You thought you would be left as you said - high and dry. You never would have been, but it is far too late now for you to find that out.

I guess you think I have perhaps followed the same physical trait as you have done and also that which is reflected in your man to a very excessive degree, but I'm sorry to disappoint you. I am still the exact same weight as I was in 2005. A little older, naturally, salt and pepper hair but beyond that and a few added sun wrinkles, pretty much the same.

So here I am heading for a birthday again, not the milestone one you may think as I am a few years younger than you thought. That milestone arrives in three years time. I am spending this birthday here in Nantucket, Mass., surrounded by friends and family on the weekend, now approaching. Here and at our horse ranch near Concord, New Hampshire, are places we spend a lot of time. Not for the weather, but because this part of my country is old in US terms and pretty and just plain great. Plus, it is in terms of the USA, close to Boston and New York.

I'm not sure the ranch would be your scene, being a (small) town girl, but I think you would like Nantucket and the small towns around here. Then there's the pretty churches, picket fences et al. Funny isn't it, 12 years ago I thought I would be spending the rest of my life with you. It's what I wanted, until....but there's always a silver lining to every cloud. Mine turned out to be pure gold instead. Yours...well your life is little changed from what it was and in the nature of things time is running out for me, for you, for all of us. My last 12 years however have been the very best. Fun, beauty, comfort security and able to enjoy the very best things in life.

I recall you being surprised when I first brought you over here, to Florida, to find that each of my houses (did I show them all? - can't recall) was fully equipped with pretty much everything you might need. In fact, I think one of your problems with me was you were a little overawed with a life you could only imagine. You felt inferior in some way, but I never viewed you that way. I also recall you mentioning class and how you and he are similar in your class in society. Funny how it's always the working class that thinks that way. I never did and still don't. I judge a person on their merits not their social standing. Yep - it was you that had all the problems and hang ups - I had none as far as you were concerned.

While you were in the Costas, guess where we were. yes, we were in Cumbria. Last visit to our place in Keswick. Now on the market - too many calls on our time elsewhere. We flew back here to Massachusetts and home while you were away. After the birthday party we will be back in Florida for a spell.

You really did miss out on a rich life and I don't mean in purely financial terms. They say there are more fools in the World than any other apparently. I guess you have figured which category you fall into in the sense that you make and made foolish decisions. For someone moderately intelligent your analytical and observational skills were pretty poor. Combine that with what you perceived as pleasure and 'happiness' and it's no wonder you made a bad decision. It's the answer to your question 'Why do I always make the wrong decisions *****?' The other question you had about having enough to live on is absolutely hilarious, but you didn't know that at the time. You do now.

Guess I better leave this for the present. This morning I'm working on my current book, set here in New England, this time. From what little I know of your tastes in literature (limited), I think you might like it. Do you know I make more dollars from just this one activity than I did in the whole of my Naval and banking careers. Funny old thing life, although I did, and do, enjoyed/enjoy both my past careers and my current business life: the former two weren't as rewarding financially as my writing, photography. culinary and above all other business activities.

So as you lead the 'same old' life as ever, think on what you might have had, might have enjoyed and the security and happiness that would have flowed from it. Unlike you, I am totally loyal to the people in my life as I was with you. I might have felt like a fool at the time you played away, but it didn't make me a fool....it made you one.

To quote part of the title of this blog - it cost us, both, but you most of all.

Do you know back in the early 90's I stayed in a small town called Falmouth, Massachusetts just across the water from here. I never imagined then that I would end up living part of the time on this island.

You have a nice day ma'am.........

Ciao

Intelligence or 'Intelligence'

LL

Prior to my tour in the financial world, in which incidentally, I made my 'fortune', I was involved in tours of an entirely different kind.

Obviously, I can't talk of them in detail due to my being bound by legislation in at least two countries (that of my birth and where I live now), and that you once quoted at me when I inquired of your occupation.

You had no idea of my background at all did you. In fact many of my family don't either. I really did think you were very naive when you you played around and thought you were home and free as far as discovery was concerned. Sorry, but you were dealing with a pro in that respect. To give you an idea, I even know when you or your partner you use an iPhone instead of  laptop etc...even now. Not that I have much interest in soccer or Indian imports.

Maybe you watch thrillers on TV? There have been a few that reflect the world I once inhabited. I was one of the good guys of course.

Acute observational skills and an ability to rapidly analyse information were attributes I employed back then and which stood me in good stead during the rest of my life.

Those skills helped me spot what you were up to, behind my back, at quite an early stage. Then there was the 'gizmo' that kept track of your electronic activities. They were quite revealing! The conversations with other men online and also your current man were all available. Technology is a marvelous thing, don't you think.

That was intelligence of the knowledge kind, if you like, but the other thing you underestimated was my intelligence. Did you really think I was that much of a fool? I set you several 'tests', unknown to you, and you failed all of them. Cyprus was one, but there were others, earlier.

You probably wonder why I reflect on this 'history'. It's partly because I left you behind, partly because of what you did and partly to remind you that your decision making process is rubbish. In the latter respect, you said it yourself - why do I always make the wrong decisions - and you also let a wonderful life slip through your fingers. There was always a place for you by my side...until you did what you did.

That position has long since been usurped by my second wife. You once used that word - usurped - to describe my situation in late 2005. I found that quite funny at the time, because your position had long been usurped by others. You really did turn, back then, didn't you. At times you were quite nasty with your remarks, but it was all water off a duck's back as far as I was concerned. I had already 'moved on', following my discoveries about you.

You really did make some crap decisions didn't you. The biggest one was the one that has resulted in your being where you are now, instead of 'here'.

When I said I was not going anywhere in that car park in Florida, I meant it. It seems what you said, you never meant. I have always said what I mean and carried it through, if I could. In your case, you pulled the rug, but not from under my feet, but from under yours, very foolishly.

Enough of that. I like to remind you from time to time of your foolishness just so it remains current in your mind.

/\/\/\/\/\//\/\/\/\/\/\//\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

We are en route to our home, but staying over in the UK for a short while. We have just had the most wonderful vacation in South Africa. You know, that place you told me not to visit. Were you worried for my safety? This is my/our fourth trip and I'm still here and fine, so you needn't have worried :))).


Ciao