L'Chaim - To Life!

As I sit here relaxing in our apartment in New York, with the window open and the sounds of the City percolating up toward me through the concrete canyons, I think back to all those journeys I made to see you. 

That seems an age away and another life altogether. A sort of limbo world where I was trying to get myself back together after my loss. The way I look at it now is, that it was a period of healing, of dealing with bereavement. You helped greatly and I was on the mend gradually, until you betrayed me. That delayed my recovery. I'm not sure you have ever recovered from your experiences. I think you are permanently scarred with loss and emotional turmoil at what tore your family apart.

I tried very hard with you but....you failed me...not me... you.

As I suspected you haven't found peace, joy and calmness in your life. That is because you made the wrong choice. You may be somewhat against wealth, but it is a very useful tool in solving problems and creating security and a happy environment for others. 

I said tool purposely because that is how I view it. It is merely a means to achieve other things. It's not adding to our wealth that gives me fulfillment it's the buzz/kick, or whatever you want to call it, that I get from achieving...and I have been achieving all my life. Of course we all have knock backs (even me!) but I have always picked myself up dusted myself off and gotten on with things. Quantity doesn't entire my thinking, but quality certainly does be it material things, emotionally or family.

Since you and I moved apart my life has achieved what you have not - that very same peace, joy and calmness. I had it before my wife died and I have it again thanks to the lady who is in my life now.

It was my intention to bring it into your life, but through your own actions that was never to be. I think I was right, and so were you, in saying that you never make the right decisions and end up with, at the very best, a mundane existence. Family matters to me and I know it does to you. 

You won't be able to solve the problems in the lives of two of the younger people close to you and your man won't. It could have been done.  All of this was there for the taking - but you sought merely to satisfy yourself, denying a better life to your family and hurting those close to you at that time. 

With all that on your conscience and more, I doubt you will find that peace and calmness I have referred to. 

By the way it isn't boring either. It is like a warm glow that is permanently with you. Free of all the other woes and worries of life, one can have a pretty good and exciting time...and I do.

Merely my experience over the last nearly nearly 10 years, but I can assure you it's a great feeling. I know you realize you were a fool when you did what you did and made the decisions  that you did. You have sacrificed more than you will ever know by those actions and decisions and you lost the deep love of a man who would have nurtured and cared for you like no one else.


Sad, really, very sad.....

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You have been slowly putting on weight  over the years that have elapsed and he is as gross as ever.

You can probably see from my followers that I have wide ranging business and other interests now...not bad for that supposed 'boring guy' you once made disparaging remarks about. If you had only have known back then what you know now, but of course I couldn't trust you could I, so it all remained....hidden. What a fool you were, but then maybe not. You would have been way out of your depth living my life style. Why do you think I told you nothing of my friends, or indeed introduced you to some of them. I recall you thought I had none...so I succeeded in my small omission. Apart from that, after losing 'G' I had no appetite for too many others in my life..... at the time.

You live and have lived in another world, as far as I am and indeed was concerned. Once I had gotten the opportunity of looking into that world for a couple of years. I looked, I absorbed, I experienced and, above all, I was careful...more careful than you ever suspected. I realized fairly early on that you were dabbling elsewhere, albeit at first not in any physical way. But once you betrayed me you were on a hiding to nothing...and nothing is what you were left with, in terms of my wealth. A few baubles that have not been forgotten on my part, perhaps is the only net gain. To slightly misquote a well known soccer club 'I don't do walking away', in this case from outstanding issues.

Your world. It is not one I wished to inhabit. That is partly why I tried, unsuccessfully, to persuade you otherwise. You were too entrenched in your world to take that chance or risk, undoubtedly through an inability to see the possibilities. You made the wrong decision, later realized it and told me as much after we had parted. You have lived all of your life in one place, hardly traveled at all, even now, chosen the wrong partners 100% of the time and ended up with what you have now, as you approach 63. I don't believe it is what you wanted at all. I opened your eyes a little to another world and I think elements of it overwhelmed your thinking. So, you stayed in your imperfect cocoon, where you still reside.

You now have some idea of the world you could have inhabited from my jottings and meanderings through the last 9 nearly 10 years. Living for weekends is not the life you should have been enjoying. Your postings of food and the occasional Spanish sojourn do not impress at all.

Imagine enjoying the homes I have, your own plane, a jet now of course, various cars and all that comes with great wealth. It doesn't overpower my life as I am used to living with it, and I'm sure you would have come to terms with it. No chance now, of course, due to my good fortune in meeting my partner as partial result of your actions. Every negative action has a positive reaction...and it sure did for me. In your case 'as you sow so shall you reap' to quote the Bible. Do you know the two things most people put as an essential requirement on dating sites? Honesty and trustworthiness. You failed on both scores.

So there you are, and here I am. I think I came out on top, don't you? But then I always knew I would. You could have shared this spot with me. 

If you are devoted to (or under the thumb) of your partner, then surely you would find a way to be with him 24/7, more or less, rather than wishing for extra weekend days. If under the thumb, then I do believe you are trapped in something you never intended. There is probably an element of both in your life. Physically, he was never your type and still isn't. As I said on previous occasions I don't think he will make old bones and then where will you be. I have met many single ladies particularly between March 2004 and mid to late 2006. None of them wanted to spend their weekdays alone, let alone run to and fro at weekends. So I think you are well and truly 'trapped'. 

Given your age, the opportunities of meeting someone else, if that situation arises, will be difficult. So, the prospect is you will end up on your own, if something happens to the weighty man. I feel saddened a little to think of you in that situation and also of the past 10 years you have 'wasted' with him, when life could have been very different.

I continue with my photography, writing and many other activities. Although I have taken a big step back from business, I am still involved although, increasingly, I/we are leaving it to the younger generation.

On the photography front I thought you might like to see a few more photos>>>>>>>>>>

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I didn't take the photo below but someone I know did. Great shot don't you think and she didn't drop the camera!

A few from our place in New Hampshire. I know that I have undoubtedly posted them before, but I like to send an occasional reminder :)

The one below was taken while undertaking a little Fall hunting on our acres in NH. Long way from where we were 11 years ago. Seems like a whole lifetime away to me. and there's you still in the same place, both physically and probably mentally. We were in yellow so we didn't shoot each other!!

Money can't buy everything, but it sure as hell can buy a lot of things. In itself it is, as I said above, a tool/means to achieving other aims in life. I may be growing older like we all are but I haven't lost my lust for life. You never really knew me in those few years we were together, did you. I wasn't myself then. Shame you missed the real me. You would have had a whale of a time!

Here are a few of the material things such wealth can buy. Most are current, apart from the black Aston. The Bentley is blue like yours, but there the similarity ends.

Florida

London - a few years back

USA

It's blue outside - similar color to your auto :)

France

Now some random place shots to give you a flavor of our travels. Don't think you have seen these

Part of Bryce Canyon

Bryce Canyon

Mount Rushmore - This is a few years ago.

Tea, yes tea! In Edinburgh Castle

Boston near The Samuel Adams statue

So there you go LL. Some thoughts, some images and some things for you to reflect upon, like judgement, indecision, honesty, trust and ...theft. Those baubles are not forgotten.

I am posting a few more photos in a separate blog entitled 'Fun and Games', mainly because of the nature of those images.

Ciao

PS

Here's something from my past, post you, pre Ash. She had a great car and was a great driver...but not in those heels! California 2005 or 2006. Can't recall exactly, but we flew that night!